The only thing better than listening to music is reading about it.

-April 8-21, 2003
Volume 1, Issue 1--

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Bling on a Budget
How to keep up with the hip-hop fashion trends without blowing "illin'" amounts of your hard-earned Benjamins.
By Gregg Turkington

The life of a rap star has many obvious perks: stacks of hundred-dollar bills, freely-pouring top-shelf liquor, pussy galore, getting paid to swear incessantly, posthumous album releases. It is most certainly a step up from the life of the average rap FAN: tightwad parents, increasing fast food prices, a slow and unreliable Internet connection, failing grades at school. This guide hopes to move the reader from category "B" to category "A" by showing you how you can build up your own wardrobe of rap-related accessories (heretofore referred to as "bling"), all at bargain prices!

Your first place to start for comparison shopping purposes is the on-line retailer Thug Fashion. Not only do these folks sell "platinum look" chains and pendants at prices much lower than the real thing, but they also offer a wide array of accessories ranging from personalized dog tags to bandanas and sunglasses. While it is nice to find such quality bling all from one convenient source, the thrifty shopper who wants to "keep it real" may find that an in-person trip to the nation's largest retailer of discontinued and close-out products, Big Lots (formerly "MacFrugals"), may turn up equally satisfactory sunglasses, bandanas and the all-important oversized novelty jewelry at prices more in the $2.99-$5.99 range.

Sports gear is crucial to the hip-hop look - jerseys emblazoned with popular teams are worn by all the genre's biggest stars. However, pro-sports licensing deals make these team shirts quite expensive. Not so when you're willing to wear the official jerseys of minor league teams. Stunning oversized shirts with the official logos of the Burlington Bees, the Toledo Mud Hens and the Lansing Lugnuts can be purchased for as little as $9.95 from the folks at Star Struck. For headgear, minor league baseball caps can be had for much less than their more prestigious major league counterparts, especially if you're willing to order from Star Struck's "closeout" page of discontinued merchandise. Since you'll be wearing them backwards anyways, amongst people stoned out of their minds on "the chronic," it's unlikely anyone will even notice that your cap features a Piedmont Boll Weevils logo instead of the much-pricier New York Yankees.

It has always been a fact of life that the best way to showcase wealth, success, and respect is to walk around with your pants falling down. Those on a budget will find this particular objective easy to accomplish: Simply don't purchase a belt. Total money saved: $10-$30. Of course, in order to realize these savings you'll need to purchase pants that are at least two sizes too big - readily available at all bargain-clothing and thrift stores.

The image of a hip-hop "outlaw" and the wearing of expensive, major brand sneakers go hand in hand - yet prices for Nike sneakers are much higher than those on a budget can possibly afford. And finding fakes is difficult these days; a search for "fake Nikes" on google.com will lead you to bogus web sites that bounce you right back to official Nike sellers' websites. Thus, outside of the unsavory act of theft, the miser's only hope of wearing the famous "swoosh" is to make your own and affix it to an ordinary pair of cheap no-name sneakers. The swoosh design is easy enough to cut out of a piece of felt or scrap leather available at any arts and crafts store, and with a needle and thread and some fabric glue: voila! You're as authentic as Eminem.

Would the multi-platinum careers of Dr. Dre, Tupac Shakur, and Snoop Dogg ever have gotten off the ground were it not for their omnipresent gallon jugs of Tanqueray gin? Those of you with a little bit of spare cash to invest in your new image could try Trader Joe's for the best prices on liquor outside of airport Duty Free. However, if this is still out of your budget, consider instead digging through the recycling bins on the street on your neighborhood recycling pick-up day until you find an empty Tanqueray bottle... and then refill it with much less-expensive store-brand gin. Congratulations! You're now only a glass of juice away from laying back with your mind on your money and your money on your mind.

An authentic, jewel-encrusted Rolex watch will set its owner back tens of thousands of dollars. The going rate for even a fake Rolex is $175 to $950 from Go Replicas, dealers in replica watches "for novelty value." However, a visit to nearly any street-market in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, will turn up shiny "Rolex" watches for as little as $5, all of them embossed with the official Rolex logo and the all-important phrase "Swiss-Made," even though their true country of origin is more likely China. Buy at least half a dozen, as the gold plating will tarnish and wear off on your wrist after a couple of months, but these fake watches do keep fairly accurate time.

And finally, you'll need wads of money to impress all the bitches and hos. With the current economy, it is virtually impossible to possess the real thing. Thus, may we suggest carrying around the realistic-looking Bill Clinton $6 bills offered by the gang at Novelties Wholesale? At 10 cents apiece, you can easily carry a "phat" bankroll in every pocket.



Gregg Turkington is the co-author of the sour treatise Warm Voices Rearranged: Anagram Record Reviews, published recently by Drag City Books. He also recently produced the new album by comedian Neil Hamburger, Laugh Out Lord.

Photos courtesy of Thug Fashion and Star Struck

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