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Bling on a Budget
How to keep up with the hip-hop fashion trends without blowing "illin'" amounts of your hard-earned Benjamins.
By Gregg Turkington
The
life of a rap star has many obvious perks: stacks of hundred-dollar
bills, freely-pouring top-shelf liquor, pussy galore, getting
paid to swear incessantly, posthumous album releases. It is
most certainly a step up from the life of the average rap FAN:
tightwad parents, increasing fast food prices, a slow and unreliable
Internet connection, failing grades at school. This guide hopes
to move the reader from category "B" to category "A"
by showing you how you can build up your own wardrobe of rap-related
accessories (heretofore referred to as "bling"), all
at bargain prices!
Your
first place to start for comparison shopping purposes is the
on-line retailer Thug
Fashion. Not only do these folks sell "platinum
look" chains and pendants at prices much lower than the
real thing, but they also offer a wide array of accessories
ranging from personalized dog tags to bandanas and sunglasses.
While it is nice to find such quality bling all from one convenient
source, the thrifty shopper who wants to "keep it real"
may find that an in-person trip to the nation's largest retailer
of discontinued and close-out products, Big
Lots (formerly "MacFrugals"), may turn
up equally satisfactory sunglasses, bandanas and the all-important
oversized novelty jewelry at prices more in the $2.99-$5.99
range.
Sports
gear is crucial to the hip-hop look - jerseys emblazoned with
popular teams are worn by all the genre's biggest stars. However,
pro-sports licensing deals make these team shirts quite expensive.
Not so when you're willing to wear the official jerseys of minor
league teams. Stunning oversized shirts with the official
logos of the Burlington Bees, the Toledo Mud Hens and the Lansing
Lugnuts can be purchased for as little as $9.95 from the folks
at Star
Struck. For headgear, minor league baseball caps
can be had for much less than their more prestigious major league
counterparts, especially if you're willing to order from Star
Struck's "closeout" page of discontinued merchandise.
Since you'll be wearing them backwards anyways, amongst people
stoned out of their minds on "the chronic," it's unlikely
anyone will even notice that your cap features a Piedmont Boll
Weevils logo instead of the much-pricier New York Yankees.
It has always been a fact of life that the best way to showcase
wealth, success, and respect is to walk around with your pants
falling down. Those on a budget will find this particular objective
easy to accomplish: Simply don't purchase a belt. Total money
saved: $10-$30. Of course, in order to realize these savings
you'll need to purchase pants that are at least two sizes too
big - readily available at all bargain-clothing
and thrift
stores.
The image of a hip-hop "outlaw" and the wearing of
expensive, major brand sneakers go hand in hand - yet prices
for Nike sneakers are much higher than those on a budget can
possibly afford. And finding fakes is difficult these days;
a search for "fake Nikes" on google.com will lead
you to bogus
web sites that bounce you right back to official
Nike sellers' websites. Thus, outside of the unsavory act of
theft, the miser's only hope of wearing the famous "swoosh"
is to make your own and affix it to an ordinary pair of cheap
no-name sneakers. The swoosh design is easy enough to cut out
of a piece of felt or scrap leather available at any arts
and crafts store, and with a needle and thread
and some fabric
glue: voila! You're as authentic as Eminem.
Would the multi-platinum careers of Dr. Dre, Tupac Shakur,
and Snoop Dogg ever have gotten off the ground were it not for
their omnipresent gallon jugs of Tanqueray gin? Those of you
with a little bit of spare cash to invest in your new image
could try Trader
Joe's for the best prices on liquor outside of
airport Duty Free. However, if this is still out of your budget,
consider instead digging through the recycling bins on the street
on your neighborhood recycling pick-up day until you find an
empty Tanqueray bottle... and then refill it with much less-expensive
store-brand gin. Congratulations! You're now only
a glass of juice away from laying back with your mind on your
money and your money on your mind.
An authentic, jewel-encrusted Rolex watch will set its owner
back tens of thousands of dollars. The going rate for even a
fake Rolex is $175 to $950 from Go
Replicas, dealers in replica watches "for
novelty value." However, a visit to nearly any street-market
in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, will turn up shiny "Rolex"
watches for as little as $5, all of them embossed with the official
Rolex logo and the all-important phrase "Swiss-Made,"
even though their true country of origin is more likely China.
Buy at least half a dozen, as the gold plating will tarnish
and wear off on your wrist after a couple of months, but these
fake watches do keep fairly accurate time.
And finally, you'll need wads of money to impress all the bitches
and hos. With the current economy, it is virtually impossible
to possess the real thing. Thus, may we suggest carrying around
the realistic-looking Bill Clinton $6 bills offered by the gang
at Novelties
Wholesale? At 10 cents apiece, you can easily carry
a "phat" bankroll in every pocket. 
Gregg Turkington is the co-author of the sour treatise Warm
Voices Rearranged: Anagram Record Reviews, published recently
by Drag City Books. He also recently produced the new album by comedian
Neil Hamburger, Laugh Out Lord.
Photos courtesy of Thug Fashion and Star Struck
Perfect Pitch Online · P.O. Box 460006 · San Francisco, CA 94146
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