I still can't decide which is sexier: A growling death metal vixen who wouldn't hesitate to saw my head off with a spork, or a mustached, Little Richard-influenced rock n' roller who wears jeans that are custom-fitted to his rump.

Can't decide either? Relax. Thanks to this issue, you don't need to make that decision, because there's more sexy on these pages than you'll ever know what to do with. First, we have an interview with Arch Enemy, the rising melodic death metal band fronted by female growler Angela Gossow, who would rather be judged on talent than sexiness. And as if that's not enough literary f'n prowess to wrap your head around, we also managed to wrangle an exclusive interview with the ever-elusive Eagles of Death Metal frontman Jesse "The Devil" Hughes, who would rather be judged on sexiness than talent. And though the piece wasn't done at the moment that this sentence was being constructed, managing editor Jennifer Leggio delivered a/an [adjective] interview with industrial act Celldweller that, without exaggeration, will surely make you [verb] your [body part] off until you can't [bodily function] anymore. And I mean that.

With this issue being so heavy on the sexy, I know what all of you ugly people are thinking right now: "What's in this issue for me?" Don't worry, because we didn't forget you. Feast your hideous eyes on "Promo Shots," which is more or less our way of killing two birds with one stone – we gave publicity to a few bands whose reps have been pulling on our shirttails for love and affection, and we got to be raging cocksuckers. We can finally die happy.

So without further ado, read on. We worked just hard enough on this issue so that we wouldn't look completely stoopid.

This is the part where I always tell you to enjoy the issue. Well, this time I really mean it. Maybe.

Get the gun, get the gun, shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot,
Erik Fong

Now playing: Ozzy Osbourne - "No More Tears"