Promo Shots
Band publicity photos finally do their job… kind of.
By Erik Fong

As any seasoned, micro-managing label executive who has never picked up an instrument in his or her life will tell you, it's not about the music – it's about the image. You have to admit, they're right. To quote a well-known phrase: "If it's too loud, then the band members probably aren't sexy enough for their horrendous music to be blasted at such a high volume, and therefore you should turn it down. Because they're ugly."

If pop music history has taught us anything, it's that the relation between music quality and cutesie-wootsiness is direct and undeniable. Admit it: Hall and Oates wouldn't have sold so many albums if the mustache-touting John Oates hadn't been such a hot bastard. And let's face it, Lionel Richie would be eating Top Ramen right now if that boyish (and marketable) grin of his wasn't so easy on the Sunday mornings. Still not convinced? One word: Lemmy. You can't argue with numbers, people.

When labels mail out promotional CDs for us to review, they usually either send us burned copies or remove the liner notes to keep us from selling them to Amoeba and then buying them back six years later to review again for our Dollar Binge column. And that's really not fair. It's impossible to rate the quality of an artist's music without being able to first decide whether we deem them attractive enough for us to willingly associate. So, in keeping with the tradition of the quality of the visual determining the quality of the aural, as well as a demanding schedule that doesn't leave enough time for us to actually listen to the music that labels send us – not as long as this Tom Jones 30-CD boxed set insists on getting better with every listen! – we cut out the ugly middleman known as "music" and reviewed a handful of bands based on their 8x10 glamour photo (or as MTV calls it, "the money shot"). Points have been awarded on a carefully constructed numerical scale in three categories – grace, originality and sex appeal – because nothing says "music" like pretty hair, pearly white teeth and a tight ass.

Cradle of Filth Grace: 5,283,583,839. This action shot has everything: long hair caught in the breeze, Mona Lisa smiles, and even a grown man on the left playing peek-a-boo. It can't get any more grace-ier. Originality: 69,482,482. Pupils are sooooooo 2002. Sex Appeal: 13 kazillion. What's sexier than seeing someone try to pull his own face off with his bare hands? Overall Marketing Value: Superb. They're destined for lunch boxes and pinball machines.

Children of Bodom Grace: 1,001. If there's one thing that we learn from Children of Bodom's promo shot, it's that they're strong AND sensitive – like a ballet-dancing ox. Originality: -37,274. Sorry pretty boys, the "rugged semi-circle" pose is no longer acceptable unless it's on one of the videos that our own Keith Bergman has to review for Adult Video News. Sex Appeal: 234,395. All that's missing is a bottle of champagne, a limousine and a mickey. Overall Marketing Value: Pure genius. They're like Secret – strong enough for men, but pH balanced for women.

Ill Nino Grace: -1,000,000,000,000,000. Out of the first 1,000 words that come to mind when viewing this picture, "graceful" is not one of them. But then again, they're trying to look tough, and to their credit, you'd have to agree that they'd surely make the prettiest gang in Compton. Originality: -118,374,193,592.82274920472. At least until they get rid of that "All your base are belong to Ill Nino!" mouseover description on their Roadrunner Records artist page. Sex Appeal: -999,999,999. Of course, the score is higher if you've got a fetish for Jamaican albino look-alikes. Overall Marketing Value: Ill Crappo. The next time you see this picture, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll be on the side of a milk carton.

Luxt Grace: -7,000. But it's only –5,000 if you close your eyes. Originality: -3,281. So Ill Nino isn't the only band that didn't get the memo about dreadlocks now being completely stupid. Sex Appeal: -1,000. On one hand, we're complete assholes for criticizing other people's looks when we're certainly no beauty pageant winners ourselves. But on the other hand… look at them. Overall Marketing Value: Hopeless. Promo Photography Rule #1 states that the cute people sit in the front while the ugly people lurk in the back and don't face the camera. But in this band, who the hell goes in front?

Overkill Grace: -32,767. The picture is a little blurry, but it probably looks much better in one of the 16 wallet-sized photos that the nice old lady at the booth in the shopping mall kindly included in their "Family Package." Originality: -123,129,457,672,387. It couldn't be any less original if they all had t-shirts that read, "Don't go there." Sex Appeal: -50,000,000,000,000. Since we're strictly taking things at face value for this column, Overkill owes us a jillion dollars. Overall Marketing Value: Outstanding, if you're a parent trying to scare your kids out of music careers.

Charlotte Martin Grace: -23,283. That sitting position isn't even close to Indian style. Her kindergarten teacher must've sucked. Originality: -1,000,000,000. It's a face. It's been done before. Try again, Einstein. Sex Appeal: Astronomical. But as the careers of young female singers in this day and age have proven, the more that time goes by, the more they stick their own feet in their mouths, and the more their images get tarnished. For Charlotte's sake, let's just hope that she never, ever, ever says anything out loud. Overall Marketing Value: We can honestly say that without reading her bio, listening to her music or knowing anything about her, we would buy her album. And so should you.

Mates of State Grace: Infinity. A blind, one-legged dog on the chopping block at the pound couldn't out-cute all those adorable peering eyeballs. Originality: We were going to give them a 0 since they're just sitting behind a stupid fence, but we've changed it to 1,123,957,482 because they're sitting behind a stupid fence and they're so stinkin' cute. Sex Appeal: 30. They're more "spoony" than sexy. Overall Marketing Value: Extremely high. While all-male or all-female groups end up alienating 50 percent of their market, there's something for everyone in this boy-girl duo. Whoever came up with this pair's business plan deserves a big hug.